HOW TO GET YOURSELF ROLLED OFF ASSIGNMENT

-A Primer for QA/QC Contractors-


We’ve had some interesting experiences here in the past few months, and it seems to me that there are consultants/contractors out there that have a contest going to find out who can be rolled off assignment the fastest.

Well, I’m here to help.

Consider this blog a “How to Lose A Job” primer for consultants. Follow these helpful hints, and I can pretty much guarantee you’ll be booted in a few weeks, tops.

By the way, this will work for full-time employees as well, but the process will take much longer as whatever convoluted HR process your company has in place to remove your carcass from their premises will be followed. If you work for a state or federal employer, you’ll probably be able to retire first – even if you’re in your twenties.

HINT 1

One week into your new assignment, inform (do not ask) your client that you’ll be taking 6-8 weeks off for either a trip home, surgery, a wedding, or some other personal reason during the busiest time of their year. Chances are good your client will be on the phone with your account representative five minutes afterwards.

HINT 2

On your first day, inform (do not ask) your client that due to day care, transportation, or other issues, you will be working hours outside their core hours. Extra bonus points are given if you tell them you’ll “make up the time” somehow, in some way, some day. Maybe. Your client will probably put your account rep’s number on their speed-dial.

HINT 3

Tell your client the reason you leave early every day is that you “eat your lunch at your desk”.

HINT 4

Ignore your client’s dress code policy – repeatedly. This works best when some Admin in Charge of Rulebreakers humiliates your client manager by spotting you first and accosting said client manager in their office asking if they have Seen You. So be sure to parade back and forth in front of said admin until they notice you. Then look dumbfounded when your client manager sends you send you home to change. Repeat after me – “This is denim? You can see through this blouse? These are athletic shoes/flip flops? Really??? I had no idea!”. Forgetting to bathe – for a few months – is also helpful, as is dousing yourself with any type of scent that would kill roaches or rodents. Tabu or Jade East work well. You can test the efficacy of your scent by locking yourself in a room with your test object/victim. If you observe watering eyes, followed by wheezing, excessive coughing, uncontrollable spasms, violent convulsions, and finally death, you’ve found the winning combination.

HINT 5

Even though you have little or no experience with automation yourself, seek out the appropriate client team lead and inform him or her that they are doing everything wrong. You know this, of course, because you once breathed the same general air as someone who automated a test case ten years ago for a mainframe app. Bonus points are given if the position for which you’ve been hired has absolutely nothing to do with automation. Double bonus points if your sole experience with automation involves either capture/playback or setting checkpoints/parameterization for existing scripts. Triple bonus points if you think VBScript is a font like “Times New Roman”.

HINT 6

This is very similar to Hint 5. Attitude will be particularly important. You need to selectively find the most experienced client employees in the building, preferably people with at least 10 more years experience than you have, and expound on how much better Company X handles QA/QC. It’s especially important that you condescend as though your audience is somewhat challenged mentally. Bonus points are given if Company X has a reputation for poor quality, or if your work for the client has been either marginal or sub-standard thus far. Making statements regarding how you would never accept a job offer from the client, even though they’d be more likely to make a job offer to Donald Duck, will help your cause.

HINT 7

It’s always a good idea to forget you are a contractor and get involved in corporate politics. This is a particularly efficacious way to be rolled off assignment if you are really, really bad at politics and your view of success in this arena is defending the “little people” against all of the Big, Bad Management staff. Especially if the “little people” are happy with their jobs, are completely unaware that they are being mistreated, had no idea that you had suddenly become their champion, and have secretly been wishing you would just either shut up, die, or go away.

HINT 8

Drama queens are much in demand. Everything, especially personal issues, should be cause for wailing and flailing – loudly and to anyone and everyone that will listen. Bonus points are given if you cry all over your client manager’s desk. Double bonus points if you do it at least twice a week. Really personal reasons for the emotionalism are especially welcome to your client – hormonal imbalances, PMS, menopause, medication, hangovers, your crusty rashes keeping you awake at night, etc.

HINT 9

Miss every deadline set by your client and be sure to tell them the day the work is supposed to be finished. If you let them know you’re not going to make it ahead of time, they might have time to mitigate the problem. Bonus points for really creative excuses. Thus far, we haven’t heard:

“I was abducted by aliens and the anal probes put me in such pain, I couldn’t concentrate on my work.”
“I prefer to do all of my real work using OT; my spouse and I want to put an addition on our house.”

That’s about it; we’ve heard everything else.

HINT 10

Make a conscious decision to either make your client or one of your client’s employees your Love Slave. Nothing endears you more to a client than having their best analyst either sobbing into a hankie or trying to crawl into your skin during work hours instead of analyzing their latest set of specs. Bonus points are given if you stick around long enough to mow your way through more than one or two employees. Double bonus points if rolling you off will cause one or more employees to hate their management for treating you so cruelly.
_______________________________________________________

That’s it – 10 steps to help you on your downward journey to sitting on the bench – if your consulting firm has a bench. Bon chance……