I SMELL SULPHUR.....

Well, I had to take some time off from my blogging to do what I've been talking about - job hunting. The past few weeks have been hoppin'....

I'd like to talk about some peculiarities specific to placing your resume out on job boards.

First, you'll get responses from people who aren't even in your field. It has become evident to me that every insurance company in the U.S. needs potential "account executives" who might make IN EXCESS of 60K per year!!! In return for this potential largesse, all you have to do is knock on doors in areas even the local police avoid, make cold calls to people who hate you, and hit up your family and friends to buy expensive insurance policies. You'll make minimum wage during this training period. How long is the training period? Eternity.

The second phenomenon involves the Wretched State of Your Resume. I had no idea I was such a squid, and I'm eternally grateful to these philanthropic organizations for setting me straight.

I have a simple, 2-page resume, primarily consisting of easy-to-read bullet points.

My God, I've been such a fool! I expected potential employers to appreciate the ability to read the entire thing in ten minutes. That's right - I thought they'd actually read it! Now that I'm enlightened, however, I realize that looks are much more important, and the look needs to say "I have so much experience, I had to rewrite War and Peace" and "I know Really Big Buzzwords". I'm embarrassed to admit that that I don't use the word "synergistic' even once.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa.

So now I realize I can't expect a hiring manager to figure out my value without switching my resume over to a Paragraph Format. The current state of my resume indicates I live in a double-wide, go bowling in my spare time, and date Walmart greeters.

My new, altruistic buddies at the resume-writing firms would be more than happy to correct my deficiencies in return for a large wad of cash. What these bloodsucking, carrion-eating, bottom-feeders do for a living is take money from those who are least able to afford it, without any expectation or guarantee that the results will leave anyone better off than they were to begin with. In other words, they prey on the fears and misfortunes of others.

Well, now that I know the truth about the inadequacies of my resume, far be it from me to buck a trend. All of you know I'm a Born-again Follower. As I passed 8th grade grammar, however, a simple template will do for me; I'll re-vamp my resume myself and use the savings for stupid stuff like food and my mortgage.

Since you have to TELL hiring managers, in engaging prose, why you are the Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread, I'm currently working on ways to incorporate such moving testaments to my Goodness into my resume.

For example, in dog years, I have 175 years of experience. Fortunately, I started my testing career in the womb, which means I still retain all of my original body parts and hardly ever drool, spit, or wet myself.

While I do not golf, possess gonads, give a damn about college football, or play poker with influential buddies, hiring me will do nice things for a company's EEO policies and show everyone that they do SO have diversity, no matter what all their employees have to say.

I am a Testing Goddess. I am the Marquesa of Methodologies. I am the Baroness of Budgets. I am The Walrus. Ku-ku-ka-choo.

I've synergistically optimized corporate quality methodologies, negotiating actionable solutions, whilst simultaneously optimizing productivity and profitability. And that's just during my spare time.

With my new, improved resume, is there any doubt that I'm destined for Greater Things? Ah, Dream Corp! Here I come....

What I'm saying here, in essence, is that you need to believe in yourself. The market is tough, especially the higher up you are in the food chain, but you don't need someone who's never even worked in your field telling you what is and what is not important. Get a colleague to look at your resume if you're unsure about it, and then stop second-guessing yourself. The firm that has the right job for you is going to see a match when they review your resume - regardless of format. Using a thesaurus to craft 10 pages of bullshit is only going to help you out if you're looking for the type of company that wallows in the type of politics that most of us find stifling.

So good luck to all of you out there pounding the pavement and here's hoping we all have reason to celebrate shortly!!